Today is my 26th birthday and it is a beautiful day out. I wish I could be happy about that, but I’m not, I’m miserable.
I’m miserable because my dog is dying.
I’m miserable because literally the ONLY thing I wanted for my birthday was for my friends to come to dinner with me. But now, suddenly no one is free and it seems that no one (except for my one friend) is willing to go even remotely out of their way for my birthday today. And I worry that that makes me sound like a brat but I’ve been so down lately, and I haven’t even felt like I’m worth celebrating and I guess all I wanted was to feel special today because I hate myself most days. But now I don’t feel special. I just feel sad. And my friends who have made me feel special today don’t live in the area so they can’t even come to dinner even though I know they would if they could.
I’m going out to dinner in an hour with one friend. And I’m really excited about it and really grateful but I wanted to be surrounded by friends today and it won’t happen and I’ve never felt more alone.
I’m ashamed to say that I’ve been having a hard time ever since I moved into my new apartment a week ago. I don’t deal well with unplanned life changes. I was doing so well before this. But now things are really, really bad. I want to get better really bad. My mom thinks I need to be hospitalized until it’s under control and I told her that with my insurance that would be at least $2000 plus I’d have to go on disability at work which would cut my paycheck in half, plus I don’t WANT to be hospitalized, I just want to be better, and it makes me so sad that to do that I might actually need to go into treatment. I don’t want anyone to find out (in my personal like, I know I’m writing it here). I’m ashamed. And I just wish my stupid fucking birthday could have turned out the way I wanted it to. It was the only thing I’ve been looking forward to for weeks.
I went to the doctor today and he handed me the results of my most recent blood work, where he circled my iron levels. They are significantly low. My one level is a 4, and it should be at least a 15. 4 is like…almost zero. So this explains a lot of the problems I’ve been having recently, which I had begun to suspect were something other than my general laziness or disinterest in my life.
The low iron levels explain my constant tiredness, no matter how much coffee I drink. They also explain my constant headache (also no matter how much coffee I drink) that ibuprofen won’t take away. When I say constant headache, I mean constant headache. Just that dull ache like if you’ve been in the sun for too long or haven’t had enough water. It also explains why I’ve been having so much trouble concentrating on anything at work or maintaining focus. Why I feel so weak and achey and why it felt like my legs were going to collapse underneath of me today while looking at kitschy, glittery pig statues at Goodwill. So, y’know, problem 1 identified.
My other problem though is the fucking lithium I’m on. When I went off of all of my medication this time last year, lithium was the one thing I never went off. This was because I was going to Europe and the doctor recommended I don’t begin the process of going off of lithium during a vacation, and I agreed. When I came back from Europe I decided that I would go back on very low doses of at least some of my medication. This has worked out really well but I don’t know…I feel like I don’t need any medication. And having a bajillion lithium side effects does nothing to convince me I should stay on these drugs.
What the lithium is currently doing to me right now, according to the doctor, is making my kidneys think I have diabetes (??), even though I don’t. So my body is mimicking some of the symptoms of diabetes even though I don’t have it. I am thirsty 100% of the time. Unbearable, unquenchable thirst. No matter how much water I drink, I feel like I went an entire day without drinking anything while also running around in the hot summer sun for 9 hours or something. It is so god awful. But not just that! I’m also peeing all of the time. At least twice an hour. All day. Peeing even more than I’m drinking water. It’s crazy. So anyway the doctor is lowering the lithium slightly to see if that helps and I can go off of it if I want, but I have to do it slowly. As always. These drugs are like a prison sentence. If you have to go off of them, you have to do it very slowly and you’re pretty much guaranteed to have a nightmare of a time with the withdrawal. I shudder to think how much of my life has been wasted trying these drugs and then withdrawing from them.
So anyway, yeah, that’s what’s new with me. I feel pretty depressed but I know that’s because I feel physically miserable. I cannot believe I find myself in this position yet again, when I have to move in a week. Last year I had the thyroid problems that made me physically miserable when moving into my apartment and now this year I have this and I have to move next weekend. I’m so depressed about moving. I know that I’ve only been at my current apartment for a year, but it has always felt like home. Plus, I painted the walls. So now I have to repaint them white. And that’s a lot of physical work. And I’m hardcore anemic. And thirsty. And sad. I’m sorry. I know I’m just complaining and feeling sorry for myself. But…I don’t know, I don’t even think I feel sorry for myself. I just feel sad and want to be better.
They bought all of us this book at work called “Good Strategy, Bad Strategy” and asked us to read it. So I have been. But all it’s done for me is give me more examples of how everything we do at work is a bad strategy.