I have never been more motivated to overhaul my life. First thing I’m going to do is get a new job. As soon as possible. I don’t care what I do. I don’t care if it’s boring, I don’t care if I’m not passionate about it, I don’t care if it’s stressful. As long as I’m making $20,000 or more a year than I am now I will take it and I will be thrilled. And I will kick its ass.
Next is to get back in shape. Being sick this past year plus dealing with the depression plus having a desk job has led me to lead an almost completely sedentary lifestyle. I want to be more active. I have never felt more miserable in my life, for so many reasons. The thing I miss more than anything sometimes is dance. But my endurance is way too low to even dance to an entire song. I want to get it back so badly.
And I want to not be alone. Now that I’m living alone, I despise it. I hate coming back to my new apartment after dark. I hate being in my new apartment at all. I hate it here. I have to sleep with the lights on every night. Bugs are constantly getting in. The walls sweat when I take a shower. It’s old. It’s dark. And I’m alone. I hate my life right now. I hate it. My lease JUST started last month. I have to live here for a full year and I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I have to take a Xanax practically every night and then watch Netflix for hours and hours to help me forget that this is my life. Escapism is literally the only thing helping me cope right now. I get so anxious when I have to leave work because I have to come back to my apartment with no idea how many bugs I’ll find. I go hang out at Starbucks with a book and my computer just so I’m not alone. By all accounts my life is pathetic.
I’m just this bipolar, financially poor, loser freak who has constant anxiety making up crazy scenarios in my head like somebody breaking into my apartment and killing my cat while I’m at work or something. I have a cricket phobia and I close my eyes at night and picture this giant cricket that takes up half of my bedroom just waiting for me. I have constant nightmares every night, one’s so real that I can’t even fall back asleep when I jolt awake from them. My own parents just sort of open their palms hopelessly and say, “I don’t know how to help you, Kaitlin.” But they sure as shit don’t want to hear any more of my problems. I am so alone. I think a lot about suicide, though I’m fairly certain I’d never attempt it. But I also feel pretty hopeless a lot of the time that I have it in me to change my life. But lately, what I’ve been telling myself (out loud, in the mirror) is that any change I make cannot possibly make me feel worse than I already feel. I wake up every night at exactly 1:25 in the morning drenched in sweat.
I don’t want to talk about this with my friends, but I text them often about other stuff to try and feel less alone. They’re all busy. It will be days before I hear back from them. My closest friend at work is leaving the company in 30 days, and I’ll be even more alone. She’s one fourth of our company. I have no idea what they’ll try and put on me, work-wise once she’s gone. But when I leave, half of our company will be gone. I don’t even care.
Everyone I know, including me, thinks out loud. Tries to figure out their life by constantly voicing their internal dilemmas over and over and over again. I can’t listen to it anymore. I feel like I want to beat my head against my desk every time someone else starts in. No one is trying to change their life. I’ve been afraid to for so long. But if I don’t try now, in a year I’m quite certain I will give up all hope of my life ever getting better. And when that happens, I know I’ll never try again. It’s now or never. It’s just unfortunate that now happens to be a time when I’m secretly falling apart, alone in my gross old apartment, spiking and dropping between racing thoughts and crippling depression, and constantly and forever searching for the hope I keep finding and then losing again.
Endless list of beautiful cinematography
Director of Photography: Dean Cundey
RIP Robin Williams (1951-2014)
When you watch Steven Spielberg movies, you are truly witnessing a master at work. Look at the framing of these shots. Genius. GENIUS.
Today was a good day. A positive one. My boss gave me this bendy cat magnet because she found it and thought I would like it. And I do like it. It’s nice when you’re depressed and feel worthless to be reminded that people think about you sometimes.
Then later, I think I impressed my coworkers with all the work I’ve done on our new website. And I kept my attitude in check for the entire meeting.
Then I went to the grocery store.
Then I made dinner. And cleaned up. Cleaned my cat’s litter box. Took out the trash.
I know all of this sounds like, “So what?” Stuff that everyone does every day. But for me this is a really big deal. I’ve found it hard recently just to get up off the couch. So this is progress.