The longer that time passes, the less I remember how people have hurt me, and the more I let it all go. When I was in college, I was good friends with a girl who ended up really turning on me my sophomore year. She said a lot of horrible things to me and treated me like crap. I left our group of friends partially because of how she treated me and the non-reaction from my friends about it. And yet, all these years later, all I really, truly remember of her is this time when she sat on my bed with me in my dorm room freshman year for, like, three hours and helped me memorize all the countries in Africa for my Geography test. I know that she said and did things to hurt me, and I only vaguely remember what those things were, but I don’t feel that anger or pain anymore. And I all I really deeply remember is a time when she was incredibly kind to me.
Now in some ways this is a good thing, but in other ways I think it’s problematic. As I grow older, the time for me to get over things and let go seems to get shorter and shorter. And even though my head tells me to stay away from people who have hurt me in the past, my heart forgets it all, and remembers only the parts where it felt good. So does this make me an empathetic person who gives people second chances and possibly walks into a lion’s den even though she should know better? Or does this make me a fool? Someone who sets herself up to be hurt again.
People change. I’ve changed. I’ve changed so much in this one year that today at work after everyone left I sat at my desk and cried because everything is so different from this time last year.
I don’t know, someone tell me. I’m young. Is this what life is like for everyone? If someone broke my heart and I spent months moving past it, what does it mean if all I want now is to have them be my friend again? Does that mean that I’ve become a better person? Does that mean I’ve moved on? Or does that mean I haven’t moved on and I’ve learned nothing? Is letting go the same for everyone?
Moving on hurts. Today was the holiday potluck at work and I remembered what it was like last year. This time last year I was in a different job—an easier one, with amazing coworkers, and I laughed every day. And I left that job to give myself a better opportunity but then I stood today with the people I used to work with , who see each other and talk all the time and who I hardly ever see, and they were talking about their bonuses and I just stood there and missed when I was a part of them. And I got especially sad because the four of us in my tiny company aren’t getting bonuses this year. Everyone else got a bonus, except the four of us. Yes, we’re a different company, but we’re owned by the same company. It was 4 more people, and they just said no. I work my ass off everyday, for a company who is so quick to criticize and then when something goes well are just like, “Oh, okay, cool.”
I know what you’re thinking: I should leave. And yes, I know. I’ve found some jobs to apply to but have been dragging my feet. Because something else I realized at this potluck today is that I truly adore almost every person at my job. There’s only like, maybe 70 of us? Maybe less, I’m not sure. But I’m friends with almost everyone. They all like me. As someone who was picked on in high school, I hate to say that all I’ve ever really wanted was popularity. Popularity sounds glib—I just wanted people to like me. And here, I feel like everyone does. I can be my truly extroverted self and they laugh and think it’s great. I met my very best friends at this company. So when I leave, I’m doing so with the knowledge that I’m leaving all of that behind. And that hurts. A lot. So much that I don’t even want to apply for jobs.
When I took this new job at my current company, it triggered a bipolar episode the reverberations of which I’m kind of still feeling. It’s really complicated to love the people around you, hate the management, need more money, but be terrified to leave.
I think the reason that I’m just so sad and nostalgic for this time last year is because I was really hopeful this time last year, I hadn’t endured any of the things that happened to me in 2013 and I had no idea what was coming. I think I just miss the memory of being happy and excited at the end of the year, instead of beaten down, sad, with the feeling that I’ve aged 5 years in one and that things won’t get better.
I once again want to fix my life for this coming year, and never before have I needed it more. I’m so resistant to the idea that when January 1st happens, that things can suddenly start getting better, but not until then. January 1st is just another day. It’s just 24 hours from December 31st. I can’t change the events of a year because the clock moved forward one second and now it’s suddenly an entirely new year. And even though I feel that way, my hope for myself (and what I seem to do every year) is to try and let go immediately of every fucked up thing that happened the year before. When 2014 begins, I’m ready to forget all of 2013 and not look back. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself anymore. I don’t want to feel angry anymore. I don’t want to feel heartbroken, or sad, or like a victim. I don’t want to talk about myself and my problems to my friends anymore. I want to be a different person. At least I’ll try.
I hate new year’s resolutions, but I think I at least have to make this one: In 2014, I don’t want to cry once.
When I came back from Europe, I felt that I was doing really well. Like, really well. Those 2 weeks away from everything were rejuvenating and gave me a different outlook on life. I guess kinda like some Eat, Pray, Love shit (except definitely without the praying part) but I really have no idea ‘cause I’ve never read that book and never intend to.
But, yeah, things were going well.
Then the car accident happened. I don’t know if it triggered some sort of bipolar thing but I just don’t feel so great. Really nervous and anxious a lot, pretty depressed, a bit of self-loathing here and there. I just feel like I keep getting beaten down, I suppose.
The accident itself….could have been a lot worse. No one was hurt. My whole body was sore for about an entire week afterwards but that went away. But it was pretty traumatizing. I mean, a car hit me. I’m sure it was traumatizing for the people in the other car too. There was a moment, a split second, when I knew the car was about to hit me. And it felt like slow motion, but I know I said out loud, “Oh my god” and in my head I remember not knowing how this happened, that they were about to hit me, and that I could die. I was making a left turn and they were about to hit me broadside. I don’t know how I reacted fast enough to swerve my car so they’d hit the back of it, but I did.
The sound was….horrible. And afterwards, I remember my GPS just kept telling to turn left, over and over, and I couldn’t figure out how to turn it off or how to work a phone at all. I got out of the car and saw the wreckage in the street. Car parts were everywhere. The other car was way ahead of me up the street. And I just started screaming at them to see if they were okay. They got out of the car and said they were okay. Then I turned to look at the damage to my car, and I remember thinking I wished I wasn’t okay. Because all I saw was a financial mess that I had no idea how I would get out of. When I looked down, my hands were shaking violently.
I don’t really want to talk about the rest of it. It was awful. My car is totaled. And I’ve been a nervous wreck behind the wheel ever since, but I think it’s getting better. Yesterday I drove on the highway and dropped my roommate off at the airport and then drove home in the snow, so I feel like I knocked down a lot of pins there. I’m currently driving a rental car until the check comes (all $4800 of it, that won’t buy me a car) and I figure out how I’m gonna make a car payment. I wish they would accept tears as a payment. Or sarcastic remarks, I have thousands of those.
But anyway, the accident was traumatic. It get’s less awful every day, but especially the week following (when I was still physically in pain) was the worst. In that week I found out my car was totaled, and that I have hyperthyroidism. No idea how long I’ve been walking around undiagnosed with that.
I went in for routine blood tests and came back with this. My doctor says it may explain a lot of my symptoms and why the medication hasn’t been helping. Ugh. Maybe. Who the fuck knows. I haven’t had a chance to make an appointment with a doctor to follow up and get medication because I’ve been working my ass off at work getting yearly catalog finished to go into mail. Not sure if I ever shared this, but a month or so ago, my boss expressed concerns about the catalog schedule and said she didn’t believe it would go into mail on time. I assured her that I was on top of things and had no doubt that we could stay on schedule and she said, and I quote, “Believe me, if the catalog goes into mail on schedule I’ll be the first to congratulate you. So how about this: Prove me wrong.”
Damn, does she know how to motivate her staff. Bitch.
The other day, she said to me how happy she was with the catalog (because it IS going into mail on time, as I said) and she said, and I quote again, “So I’m glad you proved me wrong, as I said.”
The fact that she fucking acknowledged to my face that she had said that in an email just baffled me. Because she was confirming that she never truly believed I could do it but was glad that I did. Then she went on some weird rant about the schedule of it again (like I can go back in fucking time?) and was basically blaming me for holding up other things she has to do because she was working on the catalog. Ugh, FUCK YOU. And fucking manage your time better, how about that?
I’m rambling at this point. I don’t even remember the point of starting this post in the first place—no idea what I was trying to say. Except I guess things kind of suck right now. And seem to continuously get worse.
And everyone keeps saying things will get better next year. Why? Why would they get better? January 1st is just another day. Things don’t change in 24 hours. Just because my calendar says “2014” doesn’t really mean there is a clean slate or a chance to make things different. It just means it’s officially another year where I don’t have my shit together and my regrets are piling up that much higher.
So fuck everything right now. Fuck. everything.