Maybe I’m not coping with the anniversary and memories of all of this “last year” stuff as well as I thought. I hardly ate anything today. What I did eat wasn’t even the least bit substantial. I struggled to get any work done today at work. Tonight around 10PM, I just walked out of my apartment, got in my car, and drove absolutely nowhere, just up and down York Rd without a purpose, with The Killers blasting on my stereo. I just had to do something, I dunno, I felt trapped in my apartment.
Then I watched 4 episodes of Gossip Girl on Netflix before then watching The Vampire Diaries, Grey’s Anatomy, and Reign all in a row for the next 3 hours on my DVR. Then I came in my bedroom and watched 4 more episodes of Gossip Girl until I finished the first season. Now it’s almost 4 in the morning and I can’t sleep and my eyes hurt from all of this television consumption and I can’t help but to feel like…at least a little worried about this behavior.
But, at the same time, escapism still beats the hell out of everything that was going on last year. I still am better. I just apparently have to keep my mind occupied constantly right now. I’ve always had this strange muscle memory about traumatic events a year after they happened. By next year, I doubt I’ll feel this way. I just have to get past March 11th. Then it will have officially been a year. And I can put it all behind me.
And there is the account of the hanging of three men, and a scuba diver, and a suicide. There are stories of coincidence and chance, of intersections and strange things told, and which is which and who only knows? And we generally say, ‘Well, if that was in a movie, I wouldn’t believe it.’ Someone’s so-and-so met someone else’s so-and-so and so on. And it is in the humble opinion of this narrator that strange things happen all the time. And so it goes, and so it goes. And the book says, ‘We may be through with the past, but the past ain’t through with us.’
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Looking back, it’s easy to see when a mistake has been made, to regret a choice that seemed like a decent idea at the time, but if we used our best judgment and listened to our hearts, we are more likely to see that we chose wisely and avoided the deepest most pain regret of them all - the regret from letting something amazing pass you by.